It’s funny that feeling when you say something, and you think you’re pretty clear too, but the other person just doesn’t seem to hear what you’re saying. It’s almost as if they hear a completely different message, maybe even listening to a different person. To an extent, that’s even true. they’re not hearing you speak, but the person they think you are. In some cases, that’s pretty close. After all, only you can possibly know who you are, no other person can, and everybody projects something of themselves — their expectations, their experiences, their world views — on others. But sometimes those images, the one you have of yourself and the one the other person has of you, are quite different. Worlds apart, even. And then, whatever they hear, could not ever come out of your mouth, it’s just not something you would ever say.
Ironically, this happens to me a lot, in a way that, by now, makes me smirk (although it used to drive me mad in the past). You see, I’m from Austria. That’s right, you read correctly, Austria, not Australia. However, when I said that to people outside of Europe, can you guess what answer I usually got? Well, it’s right in the name of this blog: “Austria? Oh, kangaroos!” Just to be clear: I do not have a problem with the marsupial family per se, although I do find the notion of carrying your child in a pouch that is a part of your body weird. I mean, what was God thinking?? But I digress. My point is that it’s not the association with kangaroos that bothers me, it is the fact that now the other person has created a picture of me in their head, and that picture is Australian. Literally, nothing in the world could be further from the truth. Quite literally, in fact, Austria and Australia are almost exactly on opposite sides of the world. And now, I have to dismantle the image they have created of me, and replace it with a more accurate one.
Of course, I don’t have to dismantle this image. I want to. Because it is important to me that I am perceived in an accurate way. Here is the thing: I don’t care too much about whether others like me, or whether they think I’m cool or even just fun to be around. But please make that judgement based on the person I actually am, not some completely other person you think I am.
The Austria-Australia issue is a small one, and that’s usually easy to clear up, a little geography, a little smile, and everybody laughs about the silly misunderstanding. Other mis-perceptions are a lot harder to clear up. Sometimes I am even caught off guard, as I am not entirely sure what it is that I put out there that would make the other person think a specific thing of me. And the truth is that it is not completely me that puts something out there, although I am of course taking part in the creation of the mis-perception. Exactly 50% in fact, the other 50% come from the other person, their context, their experiences, and their understanding of how the world works. And that realization actually offered up not so much a “cure” to never being mis-perceived again, but a way to use the mis-perception as a way to get to know the other person, to understand them better.
These 5 words: “Why do you think that?” are that way. Instead of getting mad or frustrated for once again not being seen (although the hurt of this is real and I do not deny myself that), I choose to see it as an opportunity to learn: about the other person, and, selfishly, about how I can present myself in a way that is closer to how I actually see myself.
Have you made similar experiences?